i haven't been talking so much. when that's all i want to do. excuse to logorrhea. i haven't been touching much and it nearly killed me when a girl who i guess i call a friend took my hand in acting class today. we held hands quietly for several minutes before class ended. i wanted to crawl inside her mouth and hold discussions with her tongue and brain and wisdom teeth, if they're still they're. i have been eating too much and sitting at my computer too much and boiling water too much. saturday's blue sharpie slash is still on the back of my hand. all i can do is look forward to saturday. to the city. i'm having the naive notion that everyone is looking at me and thinking about me. when i pass the pool's lifeguards on campus, the ones who have seen me swim so slowly so jagged, i instantly assume they smile at me out of sheer pity and then whisper to their friend when i am out of earshot all about my sad attempts at forward buoyancy. i don't know why i assume this. it is stupid. and a million times over i have had the justification conversation in my head where i say to the then-off-duty lifeguard, "i know i'm not such a good swimmer, but that's why i'm doing it. i'm trying to improve." and then they say, "yeah, i respect that, when you're just getting started it's tough. good for you." the conversation follows similar lines with record store clerks, because i occasionally have the paranoid feeling that they are judging what i'm looking at thinking like, really, sleater-kinney? could she pick a less obscure band? whatever, man, i have all (okay, most) their recording in real life maaaann, i didn't download that shit and yeah they're all on cd so i'm just gonna stand here gazing at this dig me out 12" record for a minute because carrie and corin are such babes and this fucking album totally changed my world and i like looking at it in real big artwork size.
it's ridiculous. it's like she's sixteen and worried about the size of her thighs. oh wait...
isn't it weird when your roommate walks in and describes your love life as another person's in the same story as
"she broke up with her boyfriend"
and (when asked "why?")
"i guess, God was just telling her that it wasn't right."
isn't it weird when you scrape your teeth together and you think it feels like you might have a cavity (even though you don't know what those feel like) because you have been eating so much fucking sugar.
that's my human genetics lecture making me want to find out everyone in my family who's ever had diabetes and make myself some nice little pedigree lineages (redundant?) and pundt squares and figure out my risk. if only i understood that shit. i forgot how science classes work with problems and applying what you learned to bigger issues. it's like literature, but literature is more cultural. and therefore more accessible to my mind. in genetic class i sat down next to a girl who was knitting a beautiful yellow sock and we talked about knitting. during class i felt a little like she was giving me smiles to try and seduce me. she was nice. i've seen her read her poetry before.
maaaaaaaannnn i missed the men's figure skating short program. i will not miss the women's figure skating events for the world. well, maybe for class.
i just learned that today is mardi gras. i wonder what my family ate for dinner. my dad always has the idea to do a really all-out southern feast. i don't think this vision has ever been realized.
that means that tomorrow is ash wednesday, which is lent.
and then i write about religion for a while. and then i stop. and then i edit. and then the religion talk is for another day.