Sunday, January 31, 2010

death. jamz.

so it's sunday.
and it's the last day of january.
so january is dying.
and it's my first radio show of the new semester.

and it's about death.

recently mika miko broke up. and jay reatard died. and kate mcgarrigle died. and an earthquake hit haiti. and it's winter so all the plants are dead.

so it's about death.


blood visions - jay reatard
oh, it's such a shame - jay reatard
too cute to puke - mika miko
empty eyes - teenage jesus and the jerks
death - vivian girls
dead living - parsley flakes
broken home, broken heart - husker du
play dead - bjork
rid of me - pj harvey
moody - best coast
let it die - feist
nothing matters when we're dancing - the magnetic fields
end of all things - times new viking
the black angel's death song - the velvet underground and nico
atlantic city - real estate
heart like a wheel - kate & anna mcgarrigle

i wrote the above, the track listing and whatnot, before the show. now it is after. so you probably missed it, yeah? that's okay, i didn't tell you.

but let me tell you about what happened. after the song "dead living" i was babbling on about how every once in a while i like a maybe-good synth-punk song to jump around to, only one, and then...
then i freaked out and babbled about that, and picked up the phone and tried to push a button that would put the caller on air, and maybe i did, i don't know, probably not.
"hi, is this WSLC?"
"yeah, who's this?"
"hi, do you go to sarah lawrence?"
"no i'm in new york (city? i can't remember if he said city.)"
"oh cool."
"i like your theme of death...
"...keep playing those jamz."
i assume he meant jamz with a z.
i mean, i don't remember the exact conversation, but it went more or less like the above. and even if you couldn't hear dimitri on air, i left the mic on so you could hear me talking to dimitri on air. ah, baby's first on-air phone call.

but, like, really, how fucking cool. that dude doesn't even go to sarah lawrence, and somehow he's listening to my radio show. like, fuck yeah.
dimitri, buddy,
and you, too. you click that link next sunday at six and you're golden.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Saturday, January 23, 2010


too many.
too weird.
was soooooo weird. tiny burn on my left hand.
did midnight cabaret,
where the fabulash thing i'd written totally
fell and scraped its knees and palms on the audience's stone hearts.
i never felt more alone than last night.
found a tree bent for a seat and
breathed and listened to best coast and
called him and shook uncontrollably

read by the red light of the kitchen's EXIT sign.

i didn't have the will to remove any clothing and i crawled into my bed in
scarf dress cardigan bra dangly-earring and okay fine pajammmma pantz
"did you sleep in that?" my roommate asked this morning.
i had wrestled my scarf off sometime in the middle of the night, still asleep.

unprepared auditions are the worst.

no callbacks are to be expected.
no callbacks came my way.
only a costume design gig. only courteous clapping.

tonight my wannabe-vegan hands scraped bacon grease out of another girl's frying pan.
it was cluttering the sink. my sink our sink sink sunk.
tomorrow i'm making bagels and covering my life in flour.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

spring formal has the potential to be the best school dance ever.

check this out!!!
i got an e-mil from the school "activities committee" asking us to vote for a band for the spring formal: (click on it, to see it better)
i went running with my computer in my arms into erin's room and began babbling incoherently about spring formal and no age, smiling like an idiot.
no, they are not the best band for a dance-y dance,
but they're definitely the best fucking band out of all the other choices. by a long shot. and i like to dance to no age. i always come away bruised.
shit, if no age came to school, that would make my whole second semester, my whole first year. okay kind maybe not, they are just two cool guys who play really great music. and i don't want to give them too much credit for making my second semester good. and besides, the school isn't going to vote them to our spring formal because they're pathetic hipster folksy squares. the student body that is, not no age.


Thursday, January 14, 2010

it'll stop soon.

kinda like the grim reaper, kinda like
you should fuckin recycle yr tree to make wood chips and mulch or whatever.

ode. or.

let's do walk through all the alleys, with none of the trees,
let's do throw our christmas out the window, how i would love to throw this break away.
let's do paint feathers on our skin and attract the real feathers to collect at our feet when we open our front door.
let's do cast plays with ourselves as the leads, the only characters so that we can get to say things like
"i've never danced all night. wouldn't it be something to - to dance all night and watch the rats come out of the gutter?
don't they come out at night? i hear New Orleans has lots of rats.
yeah, yeah its got lots of rat's.
then let's dance all night and wait for them to come out.
all right - but, but how about our feet?
they'll hurt.
okay, then let's dance." **

let's do find a new tree.

**this entire chunk of text in quotes is from Beth Henley's play Am I Blue, which i recently read and loved. a lot. it is dialogue between Ashbe and John Polk.

Monday, January 11, 2010

no. no no no no. sure,

i could have told you today was going to be a headache.
we all knew that. we woke up inexplicably in tears, searching the folds of our bed sheets for the earring that felt so real like we'd just pulled it out of our earlobe and turned it over in our fingers, when really it's been sitting on the dresser (farfaraway) for weeks.

yes i really woke up crying.
no i don't know why.

today was another nothing day, the kind that i swore i would not have anymore of.
i have five days of winter break left.
i do not like this winter break. i think especially because it's my first one in college. before i left new yawrk, in december, i kind of felt like i was getting somewhere, with friends with school (maybe not with school) and then winter break and we're gone for a month and i go back to pre-college-ish life and see old people. like old friends and its nice but weird and i just wish i could start a new, because i like being in chicago but it feels like i'm cheating myself out of my last four months, like pretending they didn't happen, because i'm here now.
here at "home" here in her house here with the boy whose heart i still break and phone i don't call and who i kind of freaked out at today and almost said i don't want to see him anymore, but i go back to school in five days so why manufacture that kind of shit for myself.
i feel best with the girl from high school whom i've befriended in the past couple months, she doesn't go to my school, but we've hung out in new york, and i visited her school, and we hang out here and that's cool because i'm not reliving the past or anything. and we're like kind of good for eachother i think.

tomorrow will be better because if it is worse that probably means i've died. painfully.

i want my frozen corpse to lie in the front yard.

just a tree, no ghost trashbags to deal with and flip out the young-uns and give the squirrels a plastic home to claw out of.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

found another one. found a walk found you all over the neighborhood found yr 2 a.m.

holiday ghost waste dead tree big city out of touch -ed by angels angles. acute.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

finished. totally.

over two months.
i guess i recommend it.
now first semester is really done.

Friday, January 8, 2010

the purples really compliment each other.

i got this when i guess i landed on my ankle poorly after climbing over and jumping down from the chicken wire fence at st. boniface, over a week ago. i was sitting around and noticed how nice my bruise looked next to my pants. and then i the yellow color reminded me of the yellow tint i discovered earlier today embedded into the cuticles of my first couple of fingers on both hands. yeah, i know what it's from and that's the end of that yellow color, i tell you what.

there be a christmas ghost in the alley.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

fuck this winter break and not having a bicycle.

11 am. where am i? i am in bed.
what is that alarm? watch. fuck it, why won't it turn off - PHONE!
it's the phone.
in my best morning voice, i have been awake for an hour or three and
had my two cups of black tea and one of coffee, oh sure.
she's in new york where it is noon.

fuck this wednesday, fuck this winter break, today was is such a fucking bust.
i cut my bangs twenty minutes ago, thus making that the only accomplishment/happening of the day.

resolution for the last ten days of winter break:
don't let this happen again.

if that much holds, i will be having a fine last ten days.
i am not enjoying winter break. it is exactly like the summer that i left when i went to new york in the fall. i need to leave home. i need to break less heart. i need to sleep less.