we all knew that. we woke up inexplicably in tears, searching the folds of our bed sheets for the earring that felt so real like we'd just pulled it out of our earlobe and turned it over in our fingers, when really it's been sitting on the dresser (farfaraway) for weeks.
yes i really woke up crying.
no i don't know why.
today was another nothing day, the kind that i swore i would not have anymore of.
i have five days of winter break left.
i do not like this winter break. i think especially because it's my first one in college. before i left new yawrk, in december, i kind of felt like i was getting somewhere, with friends with school (maybe not with school) and then winter break and we're gone for a month and i go back to pre-college-ish life and see old people. like old friends and its nice but weird and i just wish i could start a new, because i like being in chicago but it feels like i'm cheating myself out of my last four months, like pretending they didn't happen, because i'm here now.
here at "home" here in her house here with the boy whose heart i still break and phone i don't call and who i kind of freaked out at today and almost said i don't want to see him anymore, but i go back to school in five days so why manufacture that kind of shit for myself.
i feel best with the girl from high school whom i've befriended in the past couple months, she doesn't go to my school, but we've hung out in new york, and i visited her school, and we hang out here and that's cool because i'm not reliving the past or anything. and we're like kind of good for eachother i think.
tomorrow will be better because if it is worse that probably means i've died. painfully.