Saturday, October 24, 2009

loneliness, home, friends, family.

i knew what i was getting myself into. i knew i was
going to let myself have a day of nostalgia and minor moping.
i knew that when i walked away from the train station: alone, for the first time in
days. fine. i knew what i was in for when i sat outside of my apartment building smoking to feel dizzy, early in the morning (for a saturday),
wanting to hear only beat happening songs, and
finally deciding to take my bike out.
i ended up riding to bronxville and going to the y.a. section of the quaint new-books-only bookstore where i picked up looking for alaska and sat in a corner and (spoiler alert) read the part where she dies and i
wanted to cry
and i
almost did
my nose got all sniffly and my eyes got heavy.
and i left that bookstore and walked the at least one-point-five miles back to the apartment in the rain.
and i sort of knew what i was in for when i asked erin repeatedly if she would go see
where the wild things are
at the nearby cinema at 5:10 p.m. with me
and she said yes.
i needed that movie today.
we sat in the theatre at the end weeping, quietly sobbing, next to each other, as the ushers began to clean and the credits rolled and lights came up and turned our faces a ghostly grayish yellow.
i wanted to cry a little harder.
head in my knees....that would have felt just right yes.

when i described the movie later to another girl, i said it dealt with "loneliness, home, friends, and family." and she responded, "oh. so basically everything we're going through right now."
yes. an unexpected answer from this girl, so maybe erin and i aren't the only ones who feel like we do about here about college. maybe lots of kids do.
loneliness? check. plenty. though it's not always a bad thing.
home? don't got one. the "city of chicago" is the closest thing, but maybe that doesn't count for some reason.
friends? maybe. very few, if any.
family? got one, at least in the blood sense. they're eight hundred miles away and i like it like that.

so everything we're going through right now,
only more so for me today,
because he just said i was his home.
and i just sent him away.
and because we really are friends, for sure, i think.
we could end the loneliness.
if i wanted to.

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