Saturday, September 26, 2009

saturday night movie screening in my r.a.'s dorm. makes me think.

the movie amelie always gets to me.
it leaves me feeling perfectly content and totally shattered-sad at the same time.
the first time i saw it, i said to my mother
"i liked that movie."
"i knew you would," she said, "she kind of reminds me of you. well, you aren't quite so painfully shy."
but i am just as alone.
like amelie, i don't really regard my aloneness/shyness as painful or incomplete. it's just how life is. it's going day-to-day reflecting quietly, preparing dinners that look nice enough to make us proud and happy, but not nice enough to share, doing without real kisses because we can imagine them well enough, making observations of things so beautiful only we can see them.
she is the fictional character to whom i relate the most. (well, maybe if she and weetzie bat had a baby and the baby took after amelie, that baby would be the fictional character i was most like.)

at college this is hard.
i'm not the most broken.
i'm not the most beautiful.
i'm not the loudest.
i'm not the most creative.
i'm never on the cutting edge.
i'm not the best conversationalist.
my eyes don't give off the warm comfort of a person who understands everything.
i've got a sensible streak, i like to listen, and i make bad puns. the clothes i sew are well-made garments for everyday wear. they have flair, sure, but it's the kind of flair that can slip right under the radar. i don't attract the people i want to, and so i get annoyed with my shallow self who can't be happy with who she has.
i like to smile. i like to look people in the eye when i pass them on the street and give them a smile that i hope says "we could be friends. we could be the people we need each other to be." but we always keep walking.

if anything, the moral of amelie is: go for what you want.
i guess i should try to take that part of it to heart.
but i already know that.
that's the moral of so many stories, of so many lives.
but fuck it, i'll keep trying.

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