the way you get lightheaded and your vision goes blank.
how you are bloodied and in pain when you come back to earth.
i want to remember how it feels to make involuntary contact with the floor. how it feels to bleed and sting so bad tears flow freely and generously.
i want the scabs to pick off for weeks to come and the scars i wear for years.
the discomfort is thrilling.
i was almost hit by a taxi cab this morning. it was in the backing part of a three-point-turn and totally didn't/couldn't see me. he backed, i swerved. my heart pounded for the next half mile. so many near misses. doors, large trucks, stupid pedestrians, in-line skaters, beach-goers whose brains have apparently baked along with their skin. they all make my heart pound from my helmeted skull all the way to my ankles. i shake for blocks thinking about the injury that could have happened.
june 17, 2008 was the day of my very first (and, to date, worst) bike accident. i was on the lakefront bike path and i got distracted and all of the sudden i was drifting to the right side of the path and watching myself get all together too close to a runner and suddenly the runner was under my front wheel and i was on the ground and my bike was over there and the runner was on the ground i let myself feel my head on the ground long enough to think so this is why people wear helmets, for the first time ever, i'm glad i am. then i was back on my feet and completely hysteric. the runner was on his feet saying,
"what were you doing?"
and i was trying not to sob, responding,
"oh god, i'm so sorry, i got distracted, are you okay? should i call for help?"
his left elbow was bleeding.
considering the crash was entirely 100% MY FAULT, i felt it was right that i was hurt way worse than him.
the runner accepted my stuttered, frantic apology and saw that i was on the verge of tears and was kind of nice considering i had just run him down due to my own immature neglect. he asked if i was okay, and assured me that he was fine, just calm down. and he ran off. see? he was fine!
my left elbow was bleeding and the ground had ripped my left hip open to about a 3"x2" rectangular scrape. very bloody and fairly deep. i still have the scar - over a year later (i scar easily). see?
(ew, is it, like really weird and gross to put a picture of my scar up here?)
also, my bike was kind of messed up, the front wheel and handle bars bent, not too badly, but nonetheless, i hit that poor runner hard.
ever since that day i have hated the lakefront bike path. hate it. it makes me more nervous than sharing the road with cars. (lately, though, i have been riding on it about 15 miles daily, 5 days a week.)
this story is kind of pointless. because that definitely wasn't the good kind of crash that made me feel alive. that was the kind of crash that my mother had to come pick me up from, throwing my bike into the back of her minivan. that was not the good kind of pain - the beautiful, short but powerful pain, that reminds you that you are alive. that crash pain stayed with me for days. i still wear the scar proudly. i like scars.
here is a better example, straight from my journal:
"sunday, october 21, 2007
i just fell down the stairs. well, one stair, really. i was on the second-to-last step with a nearly empty cup of water in my hand and my foot slipped and i went down, spilling the little water that was left.
i really liked it. i felt out of control and shaky and slight pain. for that brief moment i felt alive. i just wish i didn't have to fall down the stairs to feel alive."
i remember that incident. fondly.
i'm such a freak.
don't worry though, my wrists are clean.
i've never gone out of my way to hurt myself.
it's all good.
stay safe, kiddos.