so congrats on the broccoli find!
all day today i've felt off.
like depressed, maybe,
i've been quiet a lot and when i realize that i haven't talked in a while, my mouth feels heavy and when i talk my tongue feels heavy, but i don't know that i'm talking. i'm more like interacting. giving that person near me something to react to. going through motions according to the abstraction of personality that i've somehow built for myself.
the day isn't over until i take off my blue jeans.
i could still go out. i'm still clothed, my hair is how it always is. i may have invited myself to pennsylvania today. i hate inviting myself places, i hope i don't seem pushy or invasive.
"we need to have an adventure."
i need to sleep more. when i sleep, lately, exhaustion overcomes me and i sprawl. i don't normally sprawl when i sleep. face down arms out, i've heard it on two separate accounts of two separate nights.
the rocking, post-cruise,
feeling has gone away mostly i think,
except for now, when i think of it. the rocking, world-moving-beneath-my-feet feeling was equivalent to being slightly drunk. i would sway a little every now and then, even when on dry land.
at six o'clock i was sitting in the library, endeavoring to read bleak house but i apparently had to get some things out of my system and i wrote this:
"there are two things and only two things happening in my head right now. one is whatever is in front of me. the other is the opening number to Company.
'those good and crazy people, my friends.
those good and crazy people, my married friends.'
it's been like this for 2.5 hours.
i wish the world would stop moving in waves beneath my feet.
i still feel the cruise ship.
in comes company.'
in the fall/winter i fall in love with peoples' faces and sweaters and skin
in the summer i fall in love with peoples' legs.
rain or shine i'm going to new york city this weekend
and then hopefully to pennsylvania to bryn mawr to see christine.
i want friends."
and then i censor myself and stop typing what i wrote over six hours ago. because i hate it and it is unimportant. i wonder if tomorrow will be different, even though my complete tipsy apathy towards things was kind of nice today. i laughed inappropriately and said odd things. i did not do the homework that i should have. i was very fidgety. sitting through three hours of a pretty decent Cabaret was very difficult. i kept shifting my legs. i felt bad for the girl next to me. i would have distracted me if i was sitting next to me.
i need to finish it ASAP.
i have three-hundred+ more pages to go and now i have the opening to Cabaret playing in my head.
"wilkomen bienvenue welcome."
if i could, i would travel back in time and give courtney love a great big hug and buy her a pack of cigarettes and a cup of coffee. then we would go to the brown elephant, where i first saw and wanted live through this when i was about ten but didn't ask my mom to buy it for me, because i didn't know what it might hold. at the brown elephant we would buy clothing for ourselves and for her daughter, who she would hire me to babysit every now and then. she would pay me well, but not always in cash money. sometimes she would have to pay me in stories.
i wonder to this day how i might be different if i had bought live through this all those years ago.