because i have been letting my mind wander.
to sewing projects and
to sweaty concerts and
other people's mouths.
the other day, on my long walk peppered with the mallards and other westchestetr towns,
i wanted another person there. i could feel air rushing past my palms
and i wanted another hand there to block it. i wanted to laugh and not feel lonely.
have you ever had that happen,
where you're like watching a movie and something funny happens,
and you laugh out loud, not hard or crazy, just pleasant,
and you hear your laugh and open your eyes from their smiling squint, and
you feel so profoundly alone.
have you ever had that happen?
where you're fine by yourself
until it's called to your attention - by your own mind?
i did pretty well on the introducing-myself-to-people front. the meeting people thing.
not so much on the making friends thing.
i don't know how to make friends! in high school i started with a group and then that group lost people over four years. the new friends i made weren't that close and we became friends in situations, like school plays or art classes. and then i have lost them too because i don't have a facebook.
how is it that i think i've missed the boat? how can some people make such quick connections? when do i get to look a person in the eye and think best friend?
ever? never? would never be okay with me? i don't know. i'm just trying to get my work done and enjoy as many moments in-between as possible, but it's really fucking difficult.
also i feel really out-of-place here, especially in the classroom. my classmates/peers will say such beautiful, insightful things sometimes. the kinds of things that make me want to reach out and touch their faces, and then i'm still this teenager, this high schooler. this little girl looking at college and seeing summer camp without kayaks and the lake. and the kayaks were the only reason i went to summer camp.
i'm starting to form a theory of sorts. a ton of the kids here went to boarding school. also a bunch have taken a year off here or there. to have gone to the kind of school where i went home after six hours of "learning" everyday, let alone having gone to a public school, is kind of different. so my theory about boarding school kids is that they have a much more unified sense of self. they know themselves much better than those of us who lived primarily outside of school and yet had our lives defined by school (that barely makes sense). they are used to school and life being one thing, while i have never had school and life unified. so it's a new concept to me, this living and learning in the same place, and i'm away from parents for the first time and away from my past.
but i have no idea who i am and i only have little fragments of ideas for who i want to be, which are really hard to develop when i'm working all.the.time.
at least the weekdays pass quickly. i never have time to stop and ask "why" to get to any sort of constructive end.