Tuesday, April 7, 2009

much to my father's dissappointment, i'm not even a registered voter.

another election.
another day of election judging.
fifteen hours at my neighborhood polling place.
i have decided that the bathroom is the most pleasant place in the building.
i want to crawl inside the radiator next to the sink.
i stood next to it and gave a shiver as i felt warmth fill my upper arms and cold slide out my fingertips.

fifteen hours of the wnua.
i hate smooth jazz.
it was noon when i wised up and pulled out my cassette player.

it's not like anyone is voting anyway.
thirty-seven voters in six hours.
that's about one-twenty-third (1/23) of my precinct.
(i've never been able to figure out tough precentages without the aid of a calculator)

awake since 4:30.
this is not what spring break should be.
i sit here pulling woodchips out of the crappy plywood table and i can't think of what i would rather be doing.

i might be in college in a few months.
i might not be in chicago, this time next year.
i only have a few more weeks to decide.
to take the uncertainty out of the situation.
i don't know what i'm doing.
everything feels so dull to me.
i get scared and retreat from the things that demand decistions and i just shrug my shoulders or wave at the other things.
maybe i do need to start again.
this life isn't working.
nothing feels right.
or, rather, not much feels right.
i bought a cd a few days ago.
ice cream spiritual by ponytail.
and i can't put my finger on why exactly, but
it was exactly the music i needed to hear.

i don't know the girl who peers out of
mirrors and dark glass windows.
i've learned to identify her as "me" or "emma".
but to me she is "her".
i make sure she looks okay
before i leave the house.
i pose her in the mirror.
i can't put a "personality" with her.
i don't know what music she listens to.
i don't know which books are her favorite.
she doesn't look like she thinks what i think.
she doesn't look like she doesn't care.
she doesn't look like she bikes.
she does look like she wears cardigans, i'll give her that.

today i have written her name on a "republican judge" nametag stiker and affixed it to the left side of her cardigan.
it's okay, she isn't voting anyway. she hasn't registered.
anyone who judges her as a republican, doesn't know me.
maybe i'm playing into stereotypes.
like, "people who do x,y, and z should look this way".
i don't think that's what i'm doing.
i just don't know who i am.
i've never know.

people say college is a time to find out who you are.
should she try it?
should i try it?

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