dream girl.

so even though you probably didn't listen to my radio show,

i will forgive you and tell you what i played so that you can recreate the experience in your own home. or your friend's home while you down a bottle of whiskey and fill in my witty banter where you deem appropriate.

summer holiday - wild nothing (i watched them play in brooklyn last night.)

the girl who lives on heaven hill - husker du

in my room - best coast

taste of cindy - the jesus and mary chain

lucy in the sky with diamonds - the beatles

tonya harding - the coathangers

the glam goddess - the smith westerns

suzanne - leonard cohen

and she was - talking heads

venus - television

tunic (song for karen) - sonic youth

luv goon - pearl harbor

listen in next week, ya hear?

p.s.a. well, at least a p.a.

golden

radio show tonight.

a valentines themed show would be too obvious, so i've given tonight's show the theme of

dream girls

and you know i'm not talking about that beyonce movie.

6 p.m. est.

that mean 5 p.m. cst. etc. etc.

click this link to listen, yeah?

no time, no hope.

okay, could this be my life, please, a blend of color and music and city and woods and hanging out. well come to think of it, that kind of sound like my life now, only with school and no friends and i'm not the one making the music. ho hum. i really love this band and this song.

la-la-love.

bare feet tentatively out the window to scamper across the would-be balcony (it's illegal) and leave my sugar-filled heart lying in my sno-angel before the mighty breezes blow it right off. one batch of snow and one batch of pancakes with two chicken eggs, fried excessive in butter and nutmeg, holding hands with my brain to wade in bleak house ICAN'TDOTHIS, fuzz-eyed in the library and glass email inbox pressured with pins and needles of retired blood drops. i like winter a whole lot, but somedays i just want to put this winter season's baggage in the alley and wait for the tuesday trash pick up with a lighter in one hand ready to strike. there are NO ALLEYS IN NEW YORK.

out my apartment window is the roof of the indoor parking lot. we are not allowed there. we made sno-angels there.

placid.

i'm starting to wonder why i don't just walk next door and insert myself into the party that i'm watching from my bedroom window. i know a handful of girls that i can see. well, i've met them once or twice.

tomorrow has been declared a snow day at sarah lawrence. tuesdays are not usually loud party nights. tonight is.

i think i should drop out of school. i don't care about any of this shit and i'm just accumulating silly debt every second i sit in my bronxville bed self-loathing and reading "classic" texts. i am so tired. and i have so much work, which i shouldn't even bitch about because i guess i elected to go to college. i just hate it here. i think some night i'm gonna stay out in bronxville all night, sitting on street corners and behind that abandoned house-shed.

i guess to clarify:

i like sarah lawrence as a place, as a college, but i am fast realizing that i am not ready for college. you need a clearer game-plan to go to college, even one that's free-form and weird like this one. if you don't know at least a little who you are and what you want to know more about, then it's a waste. this is a romantic time waste. a beautiful expense. i guess if college was free i would feel differently.

soaking my butterfly wings.

so, i'm on youtube. like, fuckin' weird man. it's last friday's midnight cabaret.

i got two pieces in the show, which was kind of cool i guess. i made a mess.

this one was called "dear breeze, can you feel me?" and it was a movement piece to the song "moody" by best coast, which i was kind of obsessed with all of last week.

this one was called "hold.hand.breathing.drinking.save.breathe.hide."

never mind all the silliness before and after the plays. midnight cabaret kids are weird. the camera work is poor. laurel isn't wearing a shirt. i look like a lesbian. okay.

also, i made those really cool zine-style programs that people are holding. they are cool, trust me.

tiled lines and chlorine fingerprints - the persistence of my inner thighs.

i have been swimming.

just a little bit.

i have been swimming less like the spry camp counselor i once was who finished the swim test faster than all the girls and all but one of the boys and more like the octogenarian two lanes over, but i am slower than him and i swim in a bizarre zigzag where i run into the ropes with my poorly formed hands.

i breathe out large bubbles and bring my head up for small gasps.

when my legs learned to pedal a bicycle, they forgot how to scissor kick. when i my lungs learned to breath in time to the street, they forgot how to breathe with my rotating arms.

i'm not crying, it's just the chlorine,

turning my full hazel eyes into squinty red blemishes.

i'm crying because i can't rescue the brick at the bottom of the pool.

because i'm scared that at nine feet i'll forget how to do anything other than get back to air and i can't distract myself with a ten-pound weight.

my mom told me to imagine that the brick was my orange tabby, arthur. i started to cry. i can't save arthur.

i don't think i'll make a very good lifeguard.

i signed up for a lifeguard training/certification class for my p.e. credit. the class started monday. before monday, i hadn't swam in a year and a half. and i am really out of shape. part of the lifeguard PRE-TEST is swimming to the bottom off the nine-foot deep pool and rescuing a 10-lb brick and bringing it back to the other end of the pool. i tried like three times on monday, each time paralyzed by fear, treading water above the brick. i kept thinking of summer camp, when the councilors who could swim (always me) had to learn how to do "waterfront searches", our emergency action for when we thought a kid might be drowning in the swimming area. we had to swim two strokes forward, surface dive three strokes down with hands open and searching ready to grab a body, come back to the surface, one stroke back, surface dive, repeat. it was slow and i was utterly terrified every time i dove, even though it was only practice. what if i found someone? what couldn't i see?

so i have been swimming today and yesterday, and hopefully everyday, just to get more comfortable in the water.

if i can't get that brick on monday, i can't learn to be a lifeguard - i will have failed the pre-test and i will not get to take the class. i don't even want to be a lifeguard. i would be either negligent or incredibly paranoid when i sat in that lifeguard chair.

i have to get that brick.

i have to save my cat.