radio show #8: california dreamin'. not really. i'd rather just stay in chicago.

this week's radio show is california themed!

that means bands from california, or (as in the cases of joni mitchell, led zeppelin, the mamas and the papas, and tnv) songs about california!

so here we go:

(get excited!)

wolf like me - tv on the radio (fine, in no way related to california, but it's the theme song/curtain call music for the play that i spent this week teching at school. i was a dresser (for quick costume changes) and a general run crew person. the play was called the desert play. it was written by eric dufault, who is a student. i like the play, it is about loneliness (i think?) and is a little surreal.)

going to california - led zeppelin

california - joni mitchell

here should be my home - no age

california girls - beach boys

los angeles - x

sex boy - the germs

long walk on the beach - grass widow

sex jazz - mika miko

sun was high (so was i) - best coast

tv party - black flag

unfair - pavement

move to california - times new viking

california dreamin' - the mamas and papas

listen to it at 6 P.M. EST, 5 P.M. CST, AND ON AND ON.

so what brings on a california themed show? well, as we all probably know, thanksgiving is coming up; it's thursday to be exact. and i have wednesday, thursday, friday off of school. so i get to fly to chicago on wednesday, very early in the morning. cool. i'm so psyched to get to go to my city. i'm expecting/hoping for some huge heart swell of emotion when i fly in and see that skyline (even though i don't like downtown all that much - what fun is there in huge phallic office buildings? kind of kidding.).

but i don't get to stay in chicago for five wonderful days, seeing friends and movies and doing homework. oh no no no. that sounds far too leisurely.

as my grandma (on my mom's side) gets older, she wants to do more and more things with her whole clan (all 7 of her children, their spouses, and her 16-18 grandchildren). so she bought the entire family a cruise.

WHAT THE FUCK? A CRUISE, GRANDMA?

yeah, all 30 of us are piling onto a Carnival cruise ship that leaves from long beach, california and goes to mexico, and then back to long beach. in three days (friday-sunday). on monday i fly from california back to new york city.

i'm excited in an anthropological sense. i get to see southern california! i'm gonna put my body through some kind of weather shock - even though fall is being incredibly warm here (normally, in november, i'm like, preparing for the first snow storm, thinking about my heavy coat. but no, i'm still beatin' around in a cardigan.).

i'll take lots of pictures. of hot california girls in bikinis. and PALM TREES!!!

REAL LIVE PALM TREES, NOT JUST THE PLASTIC ONES THAT ARE ORANGE AND GREEN AND IN FRONT OF TIRE STORES!!!!

i actually want to go to los angeles really badly. see it. go to the Smell. hit the scene. i mean, i know i'm not going to los angeles, but, hey southern california, whatever. it's all new to me. cool.

haircuts for a higher purpose.

last night i'd had it with my curiosity.

i sat down in front of my suite-mates' full length mirror

with

a trash basket in one hand and

a pair of scissors in the other

and cut myself a heavy set of bangs.

i. like. them? i think.

whatever, i have to live with them.

my three roommates/suite-mates all watched and said "oh emma, they look so good."

(or one said, "you look like the girl from chicago. (what's her name? ...what's her name? catherine zeta-jones!"))

i was more proud of the community i created in the other bedroom

than my slightly crooked fringe.

that was only the second or third time the four of us who live together

have been in the same room for an extended period of time, all of us talking to each other.

and even after my bangs were done, we all just sat around talking,

laughing occasionally, sharing stories. it was nice. i think. at least, it was community.

for my birthday...

i only want very practical things.

i haven't had time to think about "fun" very much and i've never really been one for cutesy shit and frivolity. i want laundry money and black ink for my printer and metro cards and baking utensils.

and fabric. fine, i have been thinking about "fun" things, because i'm dying a little bit inside without my sewing machine and i have all these ideas of things to make. my fingertips ache for want of sewing!

and i want a cake.

actually cupcakes, but whatever.

i want someone to remember and bake me a cake. please?

i'll admit, i'll be a little bummed otherwise.

i don't know, i'm just typing. also, today i sustained a mild electrical shock in my right hand from our 4-slot toaster.

this is pretty well said. especially the last long paragraph.

because i have been letting my mind wander.

to sewing projects and

familiar streets.

to sweaty concerts and

other people's mouths.

the other day, on my long walk peppered with the mallards and other westchestetr towns,

i wanted another person there. i could feel air rushing past my palms

and i wanted another hand there to block it. i wanted to laugh and not feel lonely.

have you ever had that happen,

where you're like watching a movie and something funny happens,

and you laugh out loud, not hard or crazy, just pleasant,

and you hear your laugh and open your eyes from their smiling squint, and

you feel so profoundly alone.

have you ever had that happen?

where you're fine by yourself

thank-you-very-much,

until it's called to your attention - by your own mind?

i did pretty well on the introducing-myself-to-people front. the meeting people thing.

not so much on the making friends thing.

i don't know how to make friends! in high school i started with a group and then that group lost people over four years. the new friends i made weren't that close and we became friends in situations, like school plays or art classes. and then i have lost them too because i don't have a facebook.

how is it that i think i've missed the boat? how can some people make such quick connections? when do i get to look a person in the eye and think best friend?

ever? never? would never be okay with me? i don't know. i'm just trying to get my work done and enjoy as many moments in-between as possible, but it's really fucking difficult.

also i feel really out-of-place here, especially in the classroom. my classmates/peers will say such beautiful, insightful things sometimes. the kinds of things that make me want to reach out and touch their faces, and then i'm still this teenager, this high schooler. this little girl looking at college and seeing summer camp without kayaks and the lake. and the kayaks were the only reason i went to summer camp.

i'm starting to form a theory of sorts. a ton of the kids here went to boarding school. also a bunch have taken a year off here or there. to have gone to the kind of school where i went home after six hours of "learning" everyday, let alone having gone to a public school, is kind of different. so my theory about boarding school kids is that they have a much more unified sense of self. they know themselves much better than those of us who lived primarily outside of school and yet had our lives defined by school (that barely makes sense). they are used to school and life being one thing, while i have never had school and life unified. so it's a new concept to me, this living and learning in the same place, and i'm away from parents for the first time and away from my past.

but i have no idea who i am and i only have little fragments of ideas for who i want to be, which are really hard to develop when i'm working all.the.time.

at least the weekdays pass quickly. i never have time to stop and ask "why" to get to any sort of constructive end.

sharp edges.

right. sure.

i remember to floss and then i actually floss for the first time in months upon months

and then i fuck up the wire retainer "permanently" affixed to the back of my upper six front teeth.

i guess i'll devote time tomorrow to finding either an orthodontist or a pair of wire cutters.

radio show #7: happier for the family.

so my parents have recently figured out how to get the college's radio station, so they can listen to my show. grrreaaaaaat.

anyway, after last week's show i gave them a call, to check in, and they said they'd listened to my radio show and my father requested that i play happier music.

huh, bikini kill isn't "happy"?

well, okay. with that request in mind i set out to create a "happier" show for this week.

and here's what i got:

not a problem - black lips

teen drama - times new viking

(love is like a) heat wave - martha and the vandellas

spiderwebs - no doubt

step aside - sleater-kinney

uh-oh, love come to town - talking heads

girls just wanna have fun - cyndi lauper

eight days a week - the beatles

i'm gonna love you too - buddy holly

anything could happen - the clean

favorite thing - the replacements

never stops - deerhunter

neighborhood #1 (tunnels) - arcade fire

don't cry for me - the zombies

imagine, pt. 3 - smith westerns

next week is going to be california themed. feel free to make requests.

LISTEN

at 6 p.m. est, 5 p.m. cst.

thanks.

also i just found the station's phone number!

so feel free to call when i'm d.j.-ing

and make a request that i cannot promise to fulfill,

just don't be a creepster.

the number is 914.395.6751.

we'll die alone together.

yesterday.

i took a walk! i saw mallards!!

i walked to tuckahoe. that's tuckahoe in the distance. i climbed up to the train tracks and walked along beside them. i later found out (when i climbed up on the train station platform) that people are not allowed to walk along to train tracks. it didn't seem like a very good idea. i mean, what if a train came. it was fun though.)

that looks nice.

happy thanksgiving.

ooooh, a slanted hill street.

a happy day indeed. just now i realize that it says "happy [turkey] day." i liked it better before i noticed the turkey.

westchester ain't so bad.

i like my lonely walks,

but they're starting to feel increasingly lonely.

the kind where i want someone with me. i want to hold someone's hand and drag them along by my side. we'd sing our favorite songs at the tops of our voices. my spastic private impromptu dance parties would be shared and all the better for it.

but nothing changes in college. i've been a loner for so long that i don't know how to change, even when i want to.

i'm listening to about four different parties happening in my apartment building.

i'm gonna watch slacker and wonder i can't be as cool as those kids when i'm doing more (productive) things than them.