when i stay out so late i get bug bites.

i'd rather have a clean break.

i don't get my favorite machines,

cats,

uptown and its loonies,

i don't want the calls from home

the e-mails from oberlin.

all-or-nothing missing

all-or-nothing nostalgia.

i only have a handful of intentional bedroom decor toted from chicago to new york. a homemade stuffed cat, whose white felt body has turned all to pills (just like the knots in the fur of real, live neglected cats!). a white index card, i found picking up in the neo-theatre one night. the card reads "Everything is all right." it was taped over my bed at home, and it's taped over my bed here. it calms me.

etc.

i called home for the first time today. not because i wanted to, but because i'd promised that i would, the date was prearranged. i cried a few tears when i hung up, not because of homesickness, but because

they're still there.

eight-hundred miles and i'm still reporting back to parents. they're just as frustrating to talk to. and i guess i feel like i just want to be over here and not worry about chicago and i want everybody in chicago not to worry about me. i'm not asking them to worry. i'm not even thinking i miss them. i'm not thinking anything.

insensitive bitch.

i'm thinking:

gee, i want some one to go to brooklyn with tomorrow night.

i wish getting to brooklyn and going to this (totally inexpensive) show wasn't so fucking expensive.

i want to be on rowing crew.

i want to be in a play.

costume shop, i definitely want to sew in the costume shop for a while.

hey there, girl from l.a., can you tell i'm testing you by the music i play when you walk in the room? so far you've epic failed. just a heads-up.

if i smoked cigarettes it would be easier to meet people. i should smoke cigarettes.

i think i might be lying, when i say i want a clean break. but contact with "home" (my "permanent address" sounds better, more of an arm's length sort of thing) just makes me angry. and then contact with friends feels contrived and like i'm clinging to something that just keeps pouring through the spaces between my fingers and i just want to open my hand and let go already. and the reports from obelin are depressing because

i guess i haven't learned how to be happy for others. or happy for certain others. or...something. that isn't right.

phony phony formula love me love me make me want to be here.

so i just finished re-reading the catcher in the rye.

i'd read it before, but i didn't remember any of it.

and now that i'm here at college, i'm inclined to call everyone

phonies.

what is this bullshit?

this

hi

handshake

my name is emma

where are you from

what's your first year studies course

are you enjoying the school

oh my gosh

make it stop.

i feel all revolted that i can't think of interesting things to say.

this is just the beginning

we have to get through this to get to the meat

the guts

the bearing our souls and

saying the word friend.

i want to find a grocery store

and buy spaghetti

and boil it up nice and perfect

and eat it slowly with my fingers.

the kitchen is my favorite part

of my dorm.

because, who's gonna bring decor

for a fucking kitchen.

so it's nice and bright and white

with an awkward patch of purple floral wall paper

nice and tacky and spare.

the table is wobbly, though.

oh shit,

i just realized that i'm locked out of my bedroom

and my roommate is asleep.

oh fuck.

i'm gonna have to knock loudly.

i feel like such a jerk.

oh i don't wanna knock.

adjustments still need to be made.

i'm not materialistic. the hotel was nice. i got to watch project runway.

driving through illinois it's all

corn corn corn corn

barn

corn

flat

corn

cows? cows! COWS! (obligatory moooing out the windows)

corn

flat.

and then

THE LOVELY GARY, INDIANA

home of the jacksons and steel.

and ohio is forgettable, meaning

i can't remember a thing about it

(other than pointing at "oberlin" on green road signs)

so it probably looked much like illinois,

though maybe with a different principle crop.

i don't think they grow much corn in ohio.

and then pennsylvania.

this is how a road trip should feel.

this is scenic "mountains" (the fairly low alleghenies) covered in green trees to the sides and open road to the front.

you learn that the west doesn't hold all the altitude as you pop your ears.

you feel small and realize just how flat the mid-west is.

how flat chicago is and how we attempt to compensate for our flattness by building up up up.

but then you remember, scenic be damned, at least flat illinois is growing food and -

oh! a deer!

little thing, what are you doing here? you better get back to your mama: alfie, where were you? were you playing by the interstate again? i told you not to go out there - you could be hit, don't you remember what happened to your cousin?

bye, little deer! we're moving on. stay safe!

it really is very pretty out here.

lush and green and foggy.

the trees look like they're steaming.

i look at the mountain sides and picture myself on one of them.

a small brightly colored speck.

i've hiked all the way up and climbed a tree and i'm hollering.

but from over here on i80, i can't hear what i'm saying.

dubois, pa is a very small town. it has many hills and a house with a mccain banner in the window.

rain, rain, go away

i wanna get to new york dry today.

tryin' to find something to say before we go away.

this is me attempting to tie things up.

just putting things down.

nostalgia running rampant.

the tope five things i think i will miss the most while at college.

(in no particular order.)

• neo-futurists.

yeah, i know new york has neo-futurists, but that's like saying "you won't miss the cta - new york has trains!" maybe? that might have been a really really terrible simile.

• my sewing machine.

my beat-up, secondhand singer with the busted bobbin winder. how i love it. it got me through the summer, though i broke several needles. i love it and i can operate it like i've been doin' it all my life. i'm taking knitting needles and crochet hooks and embroidery needles with me, but i'm going to miss my machine terrible.

i'm leaving my two favorite machines at home: my sewing machine and my teal typewriter. damn life is hard.

• cats.

lancelot. arthur.

my darling orange tabbys.

i won't miss their hair.

• uptown.

it's my favorite neighborhood. i love that it's beat up and dirty and has a real old chicago feel to it. and there are all sorts of folks, from yuppies (fucking yuppies, bringing in a target in 2010) to kind of loony homeless people who talk to themselves. it's in the perfect location in the city, i think. there aren't really any fabric or craft stores, that's my one complaint. there's a knitting store and it's very nice but very expensive. otherwise, i love uptown. somedays i would just walk through the neighborhood and just feel my chest fill so full with the power of the thoughts of this is chicago, this is part of me, this is a beautiful place, a place i love, a chunk of the city that i feel confident and comfortable in, that i have let seep into the air i breathe. i can be very strangely proud sometimes.

• you know, when i started this list i definitely had five things, but i can't for the life of me remember exactly what the fifth one was. it was probably something silly like the public library system or knowing my way around. i really don't know.

another thing:

a couple of my friends, adrian and michael, just released a tape they made.

it's called Lake/Breeze (by Lake Breeze) and it looks like this:

you can download it by clicking here.

but be sure to buy it in physical form if you come across it

because, remember,

analog is way cooler.

it's pretty good. i get a total kick out of the fact that my friends released an original tape.

also, check out michael's blog lakebreezetapes.blogspot.com

while cleaning and rearranging i came across this note which was passed to me by a girl named veronica during ap lit. class regarding a choir competition she'd participated in: it wasn't really a competition, it was more of a festival. it was great. it was like singing with angels :) we finally got to sing with the people who were serious about music. it took a LONG time though.

i like this note. it makes me very happy. probably the "singing with angels part".

i'm over-packing clothing and under-packing wisdom.

as i shove and fold and press and wrinkle

shirt after shirt into a now-over-stuffed under-the-bed box

i think punning-ly of the phrase

"box tops for education".

"box" being a verb meaning "shove things into boxes," in this context.

for final acts i made my little brother mix cds and shoved a needle through my ear lobe. i collaged a new notebook and re-heeled old shoes. i lost things i had "just a second ago" and found things i haven't seen in months. i tore my bedroom apart and packed it together and cleared it out. i wished i had more time, but am ultimately grateful that i don't.

summer wardrobe expansion: shoes! (and an extra note.)

while shopping at target for school things i found a pair of white canvas shoes on clearance for $7 dollars. so i broke my mental vow of never buy clothing from target and bought these shoes. these boring shoes....

but i couldn't leave them boring....

whoa!

i sewed hundreds of sequins to them and now i love them.

it was entirely accidental to put the colors in rainbow-order.

i might fill the remaining white space somehow, but i'm not sure what with.

*a note*

regarding the "summer wardrobe expansion" posts, obviously summer is over for me, so this little series is as well. i just wanted to point out that a lot of things i sewed didn't make it on to this blog, because they either weren't original or they didn't get finished. for instance, i hemmed and altered the fit of several garments already in my closet: dresses and tops and shorts and etc. then i also made most of a beautiful bathing suit but i didn't finish it because it was proving too difficult to fit in the bust area and i got mad at it. and then there was this lovely lined tweed blazer, which i intend to finish sometime (maybe for winter wardrobe expansion), but i just kind of lost steam on it. and i made several pairs of underwear, but got a bit confused and un-enthused about finishing them, so i didn't.

also, if anyone out there wants to place an order for a handmade-by-emma garment, i'd be more than happy to talk to you about that. i've made pretty much every kind of garment, generally speaking (except for, like, wedding-wear), so feel free to ask and request.

and for all of those people with consciences:

all of my garments are made 100% sweat-shop free.

all of my garments are 100% vegan.

and if i had the money, all of my garments would be made with 100% organic and sweat-shop free fabric. (is fabric made in "sweat-shops"? i saw that sally field movie norma rae and those mill workers definitely weren't working in humane conditions.)

happy sewing.

summer wardrobe expansion: garment #10.

double digits on the summer wardrobe expansion projects!

this is just a sweet little blouse.

i'm normally not big on pastels but this fabric was like $1 or $2 per yard and i do think it's really really pretty and kind of vintage-y looking.

so i chose a nice, kind of vintage-y looking pattern to use it for.

i'm pretty pleased.

and i'm pretty.

front.

with golden heart buttons all down her back back back.